Never send a mod to do a man's job
by toranspitfire
Summary: Howard 'man of action' Moon has landed he and Vince jobs at the cinema. But when Vince accidentally spills a potion over the 'Quadrophenia' film reel, the mod is left running for his life from a bunch of rockers. Too bad he's not wearing practical shoes..
1. The Man of Action

This is just a silly fanfic I wrote for fun a while ago. I'd love it to be Howince (is that seriously what this ship is called? crikey) but I'm too giggly to write that sort of thing.

Oh yeah, and I tried to make this similar to the show so I've written some songs and a moon monologue. They're… um… interesting. It's difficult because you sort of need to hear the songs…well, sung. And try to read the moon monologue in the proper moon voice! Hope they're up to scratch…

(NOTE: the formatting on my paragraphs has gone a bit screwy, sorry. Hope it's not too anoying to read like this...)

**Never Send a Mod to do a Man's Job**

**The Man of Action.**

**  
**The alarm started beeping shrilly at precisely 5AM sharp. Right on cue, a sleepy hand emerged from the depths of blankets on the bed and waved about in a bleary sort of fashion. After locating the source of the noise and giving it a thump or two, the piercing beeps ceased and a very groggy Howard Moon rolled out of bed and fell with a thud to the floor.

"Tea…" he mumbled sleepily.

Half an hour later when he'd had a cold shower to fully wake him up and a nice cup of tea, Howard was feeling quite a bit better. He strolled out to get the paper and sat down at the table with a fresh cup, quietly scatting under his breath.

"Now, let me see…" Howard rifled through the paper until he came to the employment section and was pleased to see that pages of available jobs awaited his perusal. Ah, good. Today was _the day_. Today, Howard Moon would find a job.

Neither he nor Vince had been properly employed since they left the zoo a while back to seek their fortune. Their "band" was promising but so far had unfortunately failed to arouse the public's interest. Although they had been pretty unsuccessful so far, both knew that their musical genius was simply an acquired taste that the general population just wasn't ready for yet. (cough)

But now it had come down to the crunch. Both men were skint, or "lacking funds" as they preferred to say. Howard knew well of the crunch. The crunch meant it was time for serious action. Luckily, Howard Moon was a man of action.

Such a man of action in fact, that after reading the heading of the first job (pastry chef) he promptly fell asleep in his chair.

Howard sat snoring at the table for about five hours until the sound of a slamming door woke him with a jolt. He had just managed to regain his composure and wipe the drool off his chin when a sleepy Vince Noir stumbled out of his bedroom. Vince's flannelette pyjamas were baby blue with little red hearts all over them and he was wearing a matching nightcap. He looked like a twelve-year-old girl.

"Alright, Howard?" Vince rubbed his eyes blearily. "What're you doin' up so early?"

"It's half ten, Vince." Howard frowned. "I've been up since five this morn' if you really want to know." It was a lie, but who would ever know?

Vince put his hands up in defeat. "All right, all right. No aggression before eleven, then. I'm too sleepy to argue." The self proclaimed 'King of the Mods' shuffled to the kitchen in his bunny slippers and put the kettle on. "You want another cuppa?" Howard shook his head. Vince busied himself about making tea and then paused. He looked up at Howard with a sly smile. "Just before, did you say 'this morn'?"

Howard looked slightly sheepish. "Yeah I did. Why?"

Vince laughed. "This _morn'_?"

"Yeah." Howard replied indignantly. "What of it?"

"Who says morn'?"

"Lots of people say morn', Vince."

"Do they now?" Vince shook his head with a grin.

Howard sniffed. "Yes they do." He shook out the newspaper and put down his pen (which was still unused so far.) "Listen, I need to talk to you about a very important matter."

Vince sipped his tea and leant casually on the kitchen bench. "Go on."

"As you know we're in a spot of financial trouble-"

"Woah." Vince blinked. "Remember my rule about big words in the _morn'_?"

"Financial is hardly a big word."

"It's big enough, innit? At least let me have my tea first." Vince snorted into his mug. "My first tea of the _morn_'."

Howard sighed. Vince was unbearably cheeky in the morn'- err morning. He'd have to wait at least an hour before Vince was completely awake and then they could tackle the task at hand. (Howard himself was still yawning but that was beside the point.)  
Howard knew that he, the man of action, would have to put in the most effort. Vince was merely his apprentice, his… _sidekick_. Never send a mod to do a man's job.

An hour later, Howard had finished scribbling notes down about the prospective jobs in the paper and had made a tidy list (split into categories of each job and then alphabetised) with the name of the contact and their phone number. Now all that was left to do was to call some of these people up and try to arrange a job interview. Of course, he'd have to go through the list with Vince first to see if he agreed with the job choices Howard had made. He turned around to have a word with Vince to find him sprawled out on the couch watching cartoons.

Howard cleared his throat pointedly but Vince's eyes stayed firmly fixed on the television. Howard rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Vince?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm watching the Powerpuff Girls." Vince replied, flashing Howard a dazzling grin. "It's brilliant. Mojo Jojo's got some wicked plan, yeah? But the girls are onto him." Vince beamed. "Bubbles is my favourite, she's an absolute darling."

Howard sighed. "How old are you?"

"Same age as you." Vince replied cheekily.

"But seriously," Howard continued, "Are you actually ten years old?"

"Mentally." Vince replied seriously, and then gave Howard a wink.

"It's almost half eleven." Howard continued, ignoring the wink, "Aren't you going to have a shower or something? Get dressed?"

"Yeah, I will!" Vince sighed dramatically. "God, it's the weekend, I don't know why you're so uptight."

"It's Wednesday!" Howard spluttered.

"Oh. Feels like the weekend though, doesn't it?" Vince grinned again, unperturbed by Howard's rising annoyance.

"It only feels like the bloody weekend for you because you're sat on the couch every cotton pickin' morn' watching cartoons." Howard took in a deep breath, calming himself.

There was no point making a fuss about Vince's immaturity. It just showed exactly why Howard was the Man of Action and Vince was merely the sidekick.

Howard continued. "Would you just take a look at this list I made and cross out the jobs you're not interested in?"

"'Course." Vince replied cheerfully. "I'll give it a gander."

Howard passed the list to Vince. "Thanks Vince. I'm just going to the loo, I'll be right back."

A few minutes later, Howard returned to find Vince laughing uproariously at the television. The discarded list had slipped off the couch and was lying forgotten on the floor. Howard picked up the piece of paper and scanned it quickly. "Hey, you've crossed everything out!"

Vince looked up. "No I haven't. Not everything."

At the very bottom of the page, Howard had added 'movie theatre ushers' as a sort of after thought. That sort of work wouldn't pay very much; it was more of a job for a teenager than a Jazz Maverick/ Novelist/ Cyclist/ Rider of the Penny Farthing/ Stamp Collector like himself. But desperate times called for desperate measures, so Howard had added it to the list anyway.

"You really want to do this?" Howard asked Vince in disbelief.

"Yeah why not?" Vince replied cheerfully. "You get to watch movies all day and there's free popcorn. What's wrong with that?"

Howard sighed, knowing that the real job wouldn't be quite so laid back. But what the hell... "I'll give the manager a call and see if I can arrange an interview."


	2. So bad, it’s gone past good

**So bad, it's gone past good and back to bad again. **

Vince sauntered past as Howard looked at his watch. "You'd better hurry up and get changed or we'll be late for the interview." Howard warned.

"I am changed."

"What?"

"I am changed. This is what I'm wearing."

"What?" Howard gaped at Vince's outfit. "That?"

"Yeah?" Vince twirled. "What's wrong with it?"

"Vince, it's pink spandex. What's right with it? Who are you, Ziggy Stardust?"

"Ha! I wish." Vince laughed. "Anyway, what's going on there?" He pointed to Howard's outfit. "Haven't you done the Hawaiian shirt thing to death?"

Howard frowned. "Hawaiian shirts are my trademark, Vince. It's my look."

"You _look _like a twat. It _looks _bad!" Vince cringed. Lack of style was like kryptonite to him. He was the superman of the fashion world.

"So bad it's good?" Howard asked hopefully.

"No," Vince rolled his eyes, "So bad it's gone past good and back to bad again."

Howard sighed and picked up his black jacket from off the chair. "Here, I'll class it up with this then."

Vince studied him for a moment and then said, "Now it looks like you're going to a funeral."

"Say what?" Howard exclaimed. "It's just a plain black jacket!"

"It's boring."

"It's not boring, it's simple. I'm Howard Moon. There's a simple truth to me."

Vince rolled his eyes again. He'd heard that before. "The simple truth is we're going to be late if we don't go already." Vince was feeling slightly anxious about the interview and didn't want to make a bad impression by being late.

Howard gave in. "Fine, let's go."

They moved to go down the stairs but someone was already coming up them.

"All right?" Naboo asked. Bollo nodded gruffly in greeting behind him.

"All right, Naboo?" Vince grinned. He suddenly had a brainwave. "Hey actually Naboo, we've got a job interview now and I'm feeling a bit nervous. Can you do some magic?"

Naboo thought for a moment and then reached into his robes. He drew out a small bottle full of amber liquid. "Here. It's a magic potion that should relax you." He handed it to Vince. "It's quite potent so don't drink too much."

"We'll be careful." Vince grinned. "Cheers Naboo!"

"Good luck." Bollo grunted.

The pair went off down the stairs and Naboo and Bollo retired to the lounge. "Will potion work?" asked Bollo.

"Should do." Naboo replied with a slight smile. "It was whiskey."

A few swigs later and both Howard and Vince were feeling _very_ relaxed. "That Naboo, he's a genius." Vince said happily. "I don't feel nervous at all now. In fact, I feel a bit tipsy."

"You were born a bit tipsy, that's nothing new." Howard replied.

They were sitting in the office above the theatre, waiting for the manager to come in and begin the interview.

"Loosen your tie a bit, Howard." Vince said suddenly, tugging at his friend's collar. "You look so tense like that."

Howard swatted him away. "Don't touch me. It's fine."

"You're always saying that."

"Well I mean it." Howard replied. "Don't ever touch me. Not now, not when we're out… salvaging shipwrecks. Never."

There was a brief pause and then they both laughed. Vince tried to fix Howard's tie again but he was slapped away.  
"Don't touch me."

"You're gonna make the wrong impression." Vince replied sulkily, "Ushers are supposed to be fun, yeah? You look like an undertaker."

"I do not!" Howard replied testily. "I look sophisticated and you just can't handle it."

Vince suddenly threw his arms around Howard's neck, trying to loosen the tie while Howard tried to grab his wrists. At the same moment, the door opened.

"Oh I hope I'm not disturbing anything." The manager's secretary giggled, backing out of the room. "I'll come back in a moment."

Vince disentangled himself from Howard, a bit pink in the face, while Howard called out "Wait!"

She smiled briefly and poked her head back in. "It's alright?"

Howard stood up and moved over to shake her hand. "Yeah, sorry about that. I'm Howard Moon."

"I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr Moon." She smiled warmly, "My name is Susan. I'm Mr Montgomery's assistant."

Howard was slightly overwhelmed but he knew an opportunity for lovin' when he saw one. "Susan, please call me Howard." He kissed her hand lightly. "Oh sweet lady, with your face like a cream oval, your nose like a delicious… slope… of cream… your ears like… cream flaps, your teeth like… hard shiny pegs of… cream."

"Right." Susan looked slightly freaked out. "I'll just go get Mr Montgomery." She broke away from Howard's grasp and stumbled out through the door. Howard looked pleased with himself and sat down again.

"What was that?" Vince looked disgusted.

"I think she's really into me." Howard replied with a wink.

"She practically ran screaming from the room."

"She did not!" Howard replied testily. "I got a definite vibe from her."

Vince snorted. "What vibe? There was no vibe."

"There was too!"

"You don't know how to talk to women." Vince insisted.

"I do too. I'm great with women."

"No you're not!" Vince laughed. "I've seen the way you talk to women." He mimicked Howard, "Come on you dirty cow, get in me wheelbarrow! Go on!"

Howard looked sullen. "No, don't... don't talk about that."

Vince laughed again. "Why not? It's brilliant." Vince mimicked again, "Come on you cheeky vixens, there's room for all of you!"

"I was drunk!" Howard protested.

"I know. So was I," replied Vince seriously, "I was in the wheelbarrow."

At that moment the door opened once more. Mr Montgomery the theatre's manager strode in with purpose. "Ah, now who do we have here?"

Howard stood immediately to shake the manager's hand. "I'm Howard Moon, please to meet you sir."

The manager shook hands briefly but his attention was elsewhere.

"Oh my." He purred. "And what is your name, my lovely?"

Vince stood up warily. "Vince."

"Enchante." The manager kissed Vince's hand. "I just love what you're wearing, Vince."

Vince was torn between revulsion at the advances of the manager and triumph for the compliment on his outfit. That'll show Howard.

Howard frowned at the manager's back and coughed pointedly. The manager let go of Vince's hand and spun around. "Right, we should get on with the interview. By the way, are you two dating?"

Howard winced and Vince looked pink again. (Of course, his whole outfit was pink so it was slightly difficult for him to _not_ look pink…)

"Why do people always assume we're a couple..." Vince muttered to himself.


	3. A potion to put the plan in motion

**A potion to put the plan in motion.**

An hour later they were back at the flat. Vince was jubilant. "I can't believe we got the job, that's fantastic!"

Howard sat on the couch and began taking off his shoes. "We only got the job because you were flirting with the manager." He grunted. "You little tart."

"Flirting?! Tart?!" Vince cried. "I was not flirting. That dirty great pervert just came at me." He shuddered. "Eurgh. Slobberin' all over my hand… Disgusting." He sat down on the couch next to Howard. "You should have just let him believe we were going out, maybe he would have left me alone."

"We're not dating, Vince." Howard groaned. "And it was your own fault for wearing pink spandex."

"I just wanted to make a good impression." Vince grumbled.

Howard sighed. "Well you definitely made an impression."

Naboo poked his head out of his bedroom. "How did it go?"

Vince grinned. "Brilliantly! We got the job."

"Congratulations." Naboo replied.

"Yeah but we couldn't have done it without your potion." Vince replied, looking sheepish. "Look, it's our first day tomorrow and we want it to go really well. Have you got another potion that would give us like, a really good day?"  
Naboo looked thoughtful.

Howard nodded encouragingly. "Yeah like a good luck potion or something?"

"Go on Naboo." Vince pleaded. "Help us out."

Naboo was quiet for another moment and then shook his head. "I do have one but I'm not sure you should take it." He said softly. "I've already interfered enough. You've got to let things run their natural course."

Vince looked forlorn. "Oh. That's alright then."

Bollo came out of the bedroom holding a stack of records.

Naboo moved to the stairs. "We're off to go DJ now. We won't be back until quite late, so if we don't see you… good luck for tomorrow."

Vince forced a smile. "Cheers Naboo."

"See ya then." Howard waved. The shaman and gorilla left with a wave. Howard and Vince sat on the couch for a moment, both looking nonchalant. Howard whistled a careless tune. Finally, Vince glanced at Howard. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

A moment later they were in Naboo's room, sorting through his cupboard of potions.

Vince picked up a small bottle. "Pickled warts?"

Howard made a face and grabbed another bottle. "Sun-dried squids brains?"

"Hangover cure." Vince read. "I'll save that one for later." He chuckled, popping the little bottle into his pocket.

"Southern Mediterranean dugong with fetta and a goats cheese reduction?" Howard whistled. "That one's a bit fancy."

Vince laughed and looked at another. "Creaming soda?" They both took a swig and kept sorting.

"Goth juice?" Howard inquired, looking at Vince.  
"Oh brilliant." Vince grinned, taking the can of hairspray. "I could use a bit of that." He sprayed his hair and it immediately shot up into an aesthetically pleasing do. "Made from the tears of Robert Smith." He beamed, putting the hairspray away.  
"But I thought boys don't cry?" Howard replied innocently.

Vince poked him. "Don't be getting cheeky with me."

Howard chuckled, pleased to have got one over Vince. He suddenly remembered something.

"Hey Vince, remember that rainy day a while back when we were both really grumpy?"

Vince grinned. "Yeah and Naboo gave us that laughter potion to try and cheer us up."

They looked at each other for a moment and then burst out into song.

"_Laughter, laughter, splashing in the bath oh, giggling, wriggling, snorting like a pig a ling, ooh! You're tickling! Ha ha hee hee, everybody look at me, laughing like a banshee, grinning like a Cheshire cat, tickled by the feather in your fluffy hat. Feather duster's cost us, my belly's turned to custard when the laughing's done we just start it up again. I'm chuckling, knees buckling, our chortle's immortal, guffaw once more while the glitter titters. Dancing, prancing, tickling my fancy, cackling like a kookaburra, antsy in your pantsy." _

They both laughed. "Classic times." Vince grinned.

"Crazy days." Howard returned the grin. "You know what though," Howard said suddenly, "I think that laughter potion was just vodka and cranberry."

"Nah." Vince replied. "Naboo's a proper shaman, inne? He'd never just give us grog and say it was a potion." (Or would he?)

Howard reached into the cupboard once more and pulled out a very dusty looking bottle. "The real potion." He read. Both examined the tiny bottle, searching for a clue as to how it was used. The label was so faded that they couldn't make out any other words.

"It doesn't say anything else." Vince pointed out. "But I reckon this is our best bet."

"Why's that?"

"Well, we want to have a _really_ good day, yeah?"

Howard smiled condescendingly at Vince's logic. "I doubt it works like that."

Vince frowned. "You got a better plan, then?"


	4. I work hard for the money

**I work hard for the money…**

They had been at work for little more than five minutes and Vince had already been promoted.

He was dressed in a pale grey pinstriped 60's style mod suit with a lilac tie and his hair, of course, was an immaculately styled coiffure of mousse and hairspray. His job was no longer to sell popcorn or usher patrons, but to greet customers as they entered the theatre and make them feel at home. This meant he got to watch movies all day and eat a lot of free popcorn. The manager had _insisted_. So the real potion seemed to be working out quite well for him.

Howard on the other hand, was not having such a good time. He had been demoted to cleaner and was moodily scrubbing the floor of the male toilets. Vince poked his head around the bathroom door.

"Oh there you are." He grinned, waltzing into the room. "How's it going?"

Howard glared. "How do you think?" he snapped.

Vince grinned again, completely missing the venom in Howard's voice. "It's pretty much fantastic, right? I told you these would be the perfect jobs for us."

"Yeah." Howard snarled, "You were bang on the money."

"Oh come on, cheer up!" Vince beamed. "You've gotta have a look 'round the back of the theatre later. They've got loads of cool old movies."  
"Well I can't. I've got to finish cleaning the toilets, don't I?" Howard grumbled. "At least I've got a respectable job. I actually do some work, you know? I don't just prance around looking pretty."

"You think I look pretty?" Vince grinned, missing the insult yet again. "Cheers."

Howard groaned in exasperation. "Look, leave me alone, would you? I've got to finish this."

Vince looked crestfallen. "Whatever then. I just came to ask if you wanted to eat lunch together."

"Lunch?"

"Yeah. It's lunch time." Vince smiled encouragingly. "Go on then. Let's go out the back and have something to eat."

They did indeed go around to the back of the theatre to have lunch. Vince showed Howard the projection room and pointed to a stack of old films in the corner. "Take a look at these!" Vince sorted through the pile. "They're all from like 1979. Check it out, 'Escape from Alcatraz', 'Dracula', 'Mad Max', 'The Odd Couple'." He giggled and pulled out another. "The Muppet Movie!"

"Very nice." Howard said distractedly. He sat down next to the pile with a weary sigh and pulled out a sandwich.

"Don't you think it's cool?" Vince said, slightly hurt that Howard wasn't paying attention.

Howard noticed the tone of his friend's voice and looked up with surprise. "Sorry Vince. I'm just a bit tired."

"That's alright." Vince sat down next to Howard and pulled out a bottle from his jacket. "I'm tired too. The boss has got me working pretty hard. All that salty popcorn! I'm so thirsty!" He went to take a swig of his drink when Howard yelped.

"Don't drink that!"

Vince stopped and looked down at the bottle. It was the real potion! He sighed with relief. "Oops. I can't believe I almost drunk that." They had both agreed that it was only safe to drink a tiny amount as they didn't really know what the correct dose was. Who knows what would happen if you drank the whole thing.

"Yeah." Howard agreed. "That's the sort of stupid thing that we always do."

"Not today though." Vince said firmly. "Nothing terrible is going to accidentally happen. We're going to be very, very careful with this potion." He placed the potion down on the stack of films.

"Wait Vince!" Howard said quickly, "Put the lid back on!"

Vince chuckled. "Oh yeah, right." Vince went to screw the little cap back on but his starchy sleeve knocked the bottle and sent liquid flying all over the films.

They both yelled and jumped up. Howard grabbed his janitor rag and started frantically cleaning up the potion. "It's okay." He said, voice shaky. "I think it only spilled on one film."

Vince sighed. "Which one?"

"Errr." Howard looked blank. "Quadrophenia?"

Vince gasped. "That movie's brilliant! It's all about mods and rockers!" He grinned and patted the film case gently. "I hope it'll be alright. It's one of the greatest British films of all time, you know. It's a cult classic! We should come back and watch it later."

Howard exhaled deeply. "I'm just glad that nothing terrible happened. Maybe that potion is a dud?"

"Maybe." Vince agreed.

The manager called out suddenly from the doorway. "Lunch is over kids, get back to work!" He winked at Vince. "Vincey, can I do you- I mean see you in my office please?"

Vince grimaced slightly but nodded. "Yeah alright, I'm on my way. See you later, Howard."

Howard looked put off. "See you then..." They all filed out of the room, closing the door after them and leaving a strange silence in their wake. But then a slight whining noise came from the Quadrophenia film and suddenly the empty room wasn't quite empty anymore.

Three young men stood in the centre of the room where the film had once been. Each man was decked out in a leather motorcycle jacket adorned with studs and pins, with tight leather trousers to match. All had tall black boots and the one in the centre, clearly the leader, also had a white silk scarf around his neck. Their hair was swept up at the forehead in the pompadour style with copious amounts of gel. They were rockers, and they were dangerous.

The leader sniffed the air. "I smell a mod."


	5. The moon

**The moon.**

"When you are the moon, ah, you have really- you don't have much hair. I went to a clinic, you know, 'cause they said we can give you the hair in just 90 days. That sounds good, I thought. I don't have any hair. Saturn's cheeky, he says "you don't got a ring like mine. Oh look at me, I'm prettier than the moon." Saturn's a twat, he is. I-I waited 90 days but I didn't get any hair. Then I read the fine print and it said 'may not work on moons.' What a bloody rip-off! I can't- I can't believe it. Why they- why would anyone do that? To the moon? Bastards.

I'm the moon."


	6. Never send a mod to do a man’s job

**Never send a mod to do a man's job.**

Vince walked along the empty corridor humming quietly to himself. That real potion was genius; it had been such a brilliant day. Only another hour or so left and then their shift was over. Maybe he could cajole Howard into coming out for drinks afterwards or something. Just as Vince contemplated this idea, he heard some quiet footsteps behind him. Vince turned around. "Howard?"

Strangely, no one was there. Oh well, probably imagined it. Vince shrugged and kept walking, but a few seconds later the footsteps started up again. Vince stopped and turned around with a slight frown, his heart racing. The corridor was completely empty. Was someone trying to make fun of him? "Is someone there?" Vince asked, his voice wavering. The corridor was silent. He turned back and heightened his pace, hurrying to get away from the strange footsteps. All of a sudden, someone grabbed him from behind. Vince screamed (rather girlishly) and whipped his head around to face his stalker. Three men loomed menacingly over him.

"Hello poppet." The leader snarled. "You ready for the beating of your life?"

"Rockers!" squealed Vince. "Please don't kill me, I've got so much to give!"

"That's MY line!" With timing so perfect that it was only possible in fanfiction, Howard burst out of the male toilets and raced over to Vince's side. "Hey, where ya from?"

The rockers looked confused at this sudden interruption. "Huh?"

Howard grinned. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Howard Moon, man of action. Check me out, comin' at you like a spoon, like a boot, like a tiger! Comin' at you like a mug, like a cord, like a sharpener! Comin' at you like a scarf, like a key, like a speedboat! Comin' at you like a fish like a- oof!"

Vince elbowed him pointedly in the ribs. Howard shook his head and continued with his introduction.

"I'm Howard Moon and let me give you some advice,

I'll do it in rap form so it's very concise,

Cross me and I'll hurt you, but to be precise,

I'll slice you and dice you not once, twice, but thrice!

When you're in my icy vice it's not very nice,

And if you cross me again I'll give you head lice!

Oowww chika chika!"

The corridor was silent. The rockers stared at him blankly for a moment.

Finally, the leader spoke. "Aren't you a janitor?"

Howard went red. "Of course not!" He spluttered. "I'm a man of action! Don't insult Howard Moon. If you insult me I'll come at you like a colour blind bull!"

The rockers looked blank again.

Vince glanced at him curiously. "What does that even mean?" he interrupted.

Howard tore his attention away from the rockers. "Pardon?"

"Well, a colour blind bull yeah?" Vince ventured. "Like one that doesn't see any colour, so he just sits around?"

"No no." Howard shook his head in exasperation. "You know, like a bull that thinks everything is red so he's always attacking."

Vince frowned. "That's stupid."

"What?"

"Well it's not a very good put down if you have to explain it."

"Just shut it will you?" Howard rubbed his temples. "I'm trying to rescue you!"

"Sorry." Vince looked sheepish. They both turned back to look at the rockers.

The three men were standing around, patiently waiting for the pair to stop bickering. The lead rocker glanced up from examining his fingernails and eyed Howard with disdain. "You lot done then?"

"Yeah, sorry. Go right ahead." Howard said obligingly.

"Right then." The lead rocker suddenly looked tough. "You there, you bloody mod!" he pointed at Vince who yelped. "You think you're fancy yeah? You think you're better than us? We're gonna pound you flat like a pancake!" They advanced towards him menacingly.

Vince blanched and started slowly backing away. "Can we talk about this? Have a cup of tea?"

"No!" roared the leader. "Let's get him, boys!"

They leapt forward to attack but all of a sudden Howard bellowed a strange war cry and smacked them all with his filthy mop. There was an almighty THHWACKK that sent dirty mop water all over the rockers, leaving them shrieking uncharacteristically.

"You bitch!" the leader cried, "You got water in my hair! The gel's gonna wash out!"

"Quick, Vince!" Howard gulped, grabbing Vince's arm and dragging him down the hallway. "Let's get out of here!" The pair bolted like lightening out of the building, leaving the bedraggled rockers behind. For now…


	7. I’m Naboo, that’s who

**I'm Naboo, that's who.**

Howard Moon and Vince Noir ran as fast as their feet would carry them all the way back to the apartment. Of course, Howard was forced to carry Vince the last few blocks because he obviously wasn't wearing practical shoes and couldn't keep up.

Vince locked and bolted the door while Howard ran about closing the curtains. "We need a plan." Howard grabbed Vince's shoulders and shook him with urgency. "We need a story to tell Naboo!"

"I know!" Vince agreed immediately, his voice quivering with fear. "He'll kill us if he knows the truth!"

Howard's voice was shrill. "But what can we tell him?"

"I don't know!" Vince wailed in return.

"Right." Howard said, inhaling deeply. "We've got to relax." They both sat down on the couch and breathed in slowly, trying to calm their nerves. "We'll just tell Naboo that these rockers came in and started demanding free popcorn, yeah?" Howard made up. "And when you wouldn't give it to them they tried to kill you."

"Yeah, that's perfect." Vince agreed. "That's believable. People kill people over popcorn all the time."

"Just don't mention the potion, whatever you do." Howard warned.

"Of course not." Vince winked. "That's the last thing we want to do."

Naboo wandered into the lounge room. "Alright?"

Howard and Vince immediately jumped up and started wailing. "WE STOLE THE REAL POTION FROM YOU AND WE'RE REALLY, REALLY SORRY BUT WE SPILLED IT ON A MOVIE AND THEN SOME ROCKERS CAME OUT OF THE MOVIE AND NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL US AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE HELP!"

"You idiots!" Naboo frowned. "I should turn my back on you for this."

"Please don't!" Vince cried. "Naboo, we're really sorry!"

"And we need your help!" Howard added. "You're the only one who can save us."

Naboo was quiet for a moment and then sighed. "Alright, but you two owe me."

"Anything!" Vince promised with a relieved grin. "You name it, we'll do it. Just help us!"

Naboo thought for a moment. "I'll need to go get some ingredients to make a reversal potion. You'll need to hide Vince somewhere as soon as you can."

Vince looked worried. "Why just me?"

"The rockers won't go out of their way to kill Howard." Naboo explained. "You're the mod, they're after you. They won't rest until they've gotten rid of you."

Howard suddenly froze. "So Vince really is in mortal danger?" Naboo nodded in agreement. Suddenly a change came over Howard. He seemed subtlety different somehow; his whole stance had changed and there was a crazy glint in his eye. "Then it's time for action!" Howard bellowed.

Vince looked alarmed. "What?"

Howard laughed manically. "I know just the place to hide you."

"You've gone wrong!" Vince gulped.

Howard shook his head, still laughing like a berserker. "This is what happens when there's action, Vince." He cackled. "I transform into a man of action."

"You're not a man of action. You're a janitor."

Howard looked slightly perturbed but didn't lose his composure. "I do many things." He insisted. "I clean, I fight rockers, I bake cakes. You know? They call me the…" he paused. "…rocker fighting janitor chef."

Vince raised an eyebrow. "Who calls you that?"

Howard coughed awkwardly. "Many... people… call me that."

"I've never heard anyone call you that. That's the stupidest name I've ever heard."

Naboo interrupted. "There's no time to argue. You need to leave now!"

"Right." Vince said, "I'll just go pack my bags."

"No time!" Howard cried, dragging Vince to the stairs. "I'm taking you somewhere where the rockers will never think to look."


	8. The best place to hide a leaf

**The best place to**** hide a leaf is in the forest apparently.**

"A suit store?" Vince looked around the store in disbelief. "That's where you're going to hide me?

Howard grinned. "Well the best place to hide a leaf is in a forest, yeah?"

"I'm not a leaf."

"No, you're a mod. It would be impossible to find you in a store full of other mods."

Vince looked doubtful. "You don't think this is the first place they'll look?"

Howard chuckled. "Of course not! They'd never _bother_ to look here."

At that precise moment, the front door jingled and the rockers walked in.

The pair yelped and turned around so that their backs were to the door.  
"Nice one, Einstein." Vince muttered. "Now what?"

Howard grabbed a couple of suits and chucked one at Vince. "Cover your face with this and let's head for the change rooms." They walked as casually as they could to the back of the room.

Howard pushed Vince into one of the cramped stalls and locked the door behind them. "Phew. We should be safe for a bit."

Vince started undressing.

Howard did a double take. "Vince, what on earth are you doing?"

Vince looked up innocently. "I'm gonna try on this suit. It's got a sparkly lining!" he grinned. "Genius."

Howard sighed. "We're not actually here to buy suits. We're hiding!"

"Well we've gotta make it look real, don't we?" Vince ignored him and continued taking off his clothes. The shirt was off and he was onto the pants.

Howard continued. "But they can't see us, there's no need."

"Oh come on Howard, try that suit on." Vince begged. "It'll look fantastic on you."

Howard froze. "You really think it'll look good on me?" he asked quietly.

Vince nodded. "Yeah go on then."

In the blink of an eye, Howard had his shirt off. Vince put the sparkly jacket on and tried to squeeze past Howard to get to the mirror. The stall was really only made for one person and it was incredibly crowded in there. It took a few moments of wriggling around together with Howard before Vince could see himself properly.

Over at the front desk, the sales assistant was being extremely entertained. He had seen the two men enter the stall together looking particularly suspicious. He wasn't surprised when he saw the discarded clothes thrown onto the floor while the couple wriggled around together either. Hanky panky in the change rooms was nothing new.

Back in the cubicle, Howard had a dilemma. "Vince, I think my zip is stuck."

The mod stopped admiring himself in the mirror and turned around. "Stuck?"

Howard scratched his head. "Yeah I can't get it down. I think a bit of the material is caught. "

"I'll get it out." Vince replied, kneeling on the ground before Howard. "I've got magic fingers."

Meanwhile, the rockers had followed the sound of Vince and Howard's voice to the cubicle and were now standing outside in disgust. They hovered wordlessly by the stall, suddenly not knowing whether they wanted to go in and spring the pair after all.

"Ow! You're pulling!"

"Sorry"

"Don't use your teeth!"

"I just want to help it come out."

"Well that's not helping, just use your hands!"

"If you keep complaining you can do it yourself."

"I tried doing it myself but I don't have the magic fingers. I need you!"

"Wait, I think I've got it!"

The rockers heard Howard sigh with relief. "Phew. Thanks, Vince. You're amazing."

The head rocker rolled his eyes and motioned for them to open the door. The two tough ones kicked the door hard and it opened to reveal Vince kneeling in front of Howard who looked extremely pleased to have his pants down around his ankles. "Oh hello fellas." He said cheerfully. Then the door swung back and hit the couple on the head, sending the world into blackness.


	9. Give me a happy ending

**Give me a happy ending.**

When the couple awoke they were tied together, back to back, in a dimly lit, empty room. Both were still, embarrassingly, only partially dressed. Vince was only wearing his underpants and the sparkly jacket and Howard had only his underpants.

"Isn't this great?" Vince grinned. "Free jacket."

"How can you think this is great?" Howard growled. "We're going to die, and worst of all, we're going to die naked!"

"Howard, this jacket was supposed to cost about three hundred euros. I got it for free."

Howard groaned in response.

"There's nothing cheaper than free." Vince grinned, surveying his new jacket with satisfaction.

"Vince, aren't you frightened?" Howard whined. "We're going to die and all you can do is gloat about your jacket."

"I'm not frightened."

"Why not?" Howard demanded.

"Because," Vince ventured softly, "I feel safe with you, Howard. If we're together, I know it's all going to work out ok."

Howard so surprised he couldn't speak, but the strange emotions welling up inside of him told him to do something else. Howard turned his head around and planted a clumsy kiss on Vince's chin. In their tied up state it was the best he could do. "Thanks." He mumbled.

There was a wolf whistle from the ceiling. The surprised couple looked up to see Naboo flying down on his magic carpet from a high window.

"Am I interrupting somethi-"

Howard cut in. "Could you just get us out of here, Naboo?"

The shaman nodded with a sly smile. "Of course. I'll cut you free."

Vince looked around. "What happened to the rockers? Did you reverse the spell?"

"Nah." Naboo replied. "They accidentally walked past a Who concert and got mobbed by a bunch of mods."

Vince cried out. "That's dreadful!" They looked at him in surprise and he frowned. "I really wanted to go to that. Can't believe I missed it." Naboo smiled slightly and took a pair of scissors from his pocket, cutting the rope that bound them together.

"Well that was a bit of an anticlimax." Howard grumbled, massaging his stomach where the rope had chafed. "You'd think there'd be a massive showdown between us and the rockers."

"This story isn't about action really." Naboo said wisely. "It's focussed on the relationships between the characters."

"What relationship?" Vince asked curiously.

Naboo looked pointedly at Vince and Howard who were still sitting intimately close together wearing little more than underpants. Both looked extremely innocent.

The shaman sighed. "Ah. Nothing." He laid his magic carpet on the ground and sat at the front, making himself comfortable. "Alright, shall we go?"

Vince made as if to step onto the carpet but Howard grabbed his arm. "Not you, little man." Howard stated simply. "You're coming with me."

Vince turned around to look questioningly at Howard and noticed an interesting object sitting on the ground between them. He looked at it for a moment and grinned. Howard grinned back.

Naboo smiled and rolled his eyes. "I'll see you later then." The carpet hovered gently into the air and flew carefully out the open window.

Howard looked at Vince and smiled. "Get in my wheelbarrow, you cheeky vixen."

**The End. **

Or is it? No, it is. But is it really?

...No, it really is the end.


End file.
